This blog is focused on my journey out of the void, the eternal misery, depression, pain, suffering the void, darkness is for me with The Goddess. It will be much poetry. I try to avoid Writing to dark depressive things. I know darkness is not eternal misery and suffering for everyone. But for me it is. It is also healing there. I just sick of always be stuck here in this misery, depression. I dont give much for this journeys visdom. That is so important. (can your hear the sarcasm?) I rather be happy experience joy. But no not for me. I have been in this darkness, the void for many years. I have more fitting names for the void, darkness like living hell. I know not so creative. But thats what it is, that what it feels like. I am bit pessimistic I guess. I would do anything to be in the light more. Feel joy and happiness. It truly bothers me that I always in the darkness yearning for the light and never reaching it. I am happy that serveral others followers of The Dark Goddess seem to be happy. It is possible it is wrong of me to yearn for the light when i follow Her. She choose me, claimed me as Hers. She has helped me alot. I am happy to be Hers. I am just miserable with this eternal darkness, the void that I never get out from. It is just so cruel. I dont deserve that. I am a good person. I deserve to be happy, to have joy. I refuse to spend eternity in this void, the darkness I will fight my way out, rather die trying then be in the void, darkness forever suffering. I dont Think I will be released, be free from the void, the darkness. Probably others are more deserving of joy, happiness then me. But I dont care anymore. I am done with redeeming for some bad karma I have- what other cause than that are keeping me here. It is not fair. Perhaps I am just too weak, thats why the void this eternal darkness is so painful for me, I am so depressed, panicy and anxious.
Below I am sharing lyrics to my favorite songs. And no the songs dont make me more depressed more like it gives me the feeling that someone understads my pain, how I feel. And I keep walking. Hopefully I will reach the light soon. And be allowed to live there.
My favorite song Fade to Black by Metallica says it all about how I feel at times in this void
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking down
I was me but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself
But it's too late
Now I can't think
Think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though
It never existed
Death greets me warm
Now I will just say goodbye
Estranged - my favorite song by Guns N Roses. Pain misery like I feel and have felt a lot in Life.
When you're talkin' to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)
So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two
Old at heart but I'm only twenty eight
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart
I don't know how you're s'posed to find me lately
An what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me
Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out
Still talkin' to myself
And nobody's home
(Alone)
So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for
Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die
I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it through, this time - oh this time
Without you
I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die
Mercy by Pararadise Lost I just love this one
You live for times of solace
Within a sign there's a promise
Don't lose all faith cause you shake at night
It's in the art of the process
In another rhyme beyond this place
The healing's fast enough
Done a thousand times a thousand ways until
You've had enough
It's mercy you're asking for cheating life
By taking more it's mercy you're asking for
Take my life or give me more
The loss of prize possession to cure the mind's obsession
Could trade your soul for that normal life
Elite to all objections
See beyond all tears and broken years your senses giving up
Lose all confidence at your expense your courage swallows up
Gothic by Paradise Lost-how it feels when I have anxiety and panic attacks
Denying our restlessness
Frustrations tension eludes
The past was clean
Where thoughts were mild
The present day horrors alive
Slowly passing timeless horrors
Lives within all fear
The mourning in my tears
Drown all the past
We lived beneath these years
Awaiting for the call
For all life to expire
Passive to this day
To infinity we'll fail [sings: "fall"]
The light is dim before us
Shadows appear and fall
A barrage of savage ways
Only the darkness can filter through
(Awaiting for the call
For all life to expire
Passive to this day
To infinity we'll fall
Lives within all fear
The mourning in my tears
Drown all the past
We lived beneath these years)
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